Thursday, October 13, 2005
Rejected Slogans for the Vikings Team Cruise
10. Come join the Vikings with host, Joe Francis.
9. Come see Onterrio Smith's "Whizzinator."
8. I'm Ron Mexico, and I approve of this cruise!
7. Each room comes with DirecTV, compliments of O.J. Simpson.
6. Our deep-tissue message parlor is approved by Jerry Rice.
5. Book now and receive discounted tickets for the Super Bowl from coach Mike Tice.
4. Come party like one of hthe Bush Twins/Humidor hosted by Bill Clinton (for both sides of the isle).
3. Out staff of dedicated professionals will take down your bed ... and your pants.
2. Score more on the open seas than the Vikings do on the football field.
1. Brad, Marcus, Spencer: Come look at our Johnsons!
Add your own in the comments section.
9. Come see Onterrio Smith's "Whizzinator."
8. I'm Ron Mexico, and I approve of this cruise!
7. Each room comes with DirecTV, compliments of O.J. Simpson.
6. Our deep-tissue message parlor is approved by Jerry Rice.
5. Book now and receive discounted tickets for the Super Bowl from coach Mike Tice.
4. Come party like one of hthe Bush Twins/Humidor hosted by Bill Clinton (for both sides of the isle).
3. Out staff of dedicated professionals will take down your bed ... and your pants.
2. Score more on the open seas than the Vikings do on the football field.
1. Brad, Marcus, Spencer: Come look at our Johnsons!
Add your own in the comments section.
Last and Ten Signs You Have a Bad Quarterback
10. Continues to overthrow Randy Moss.
9. Instead of film study, it’s season one of Lost on DVD.
8. Fans wistfully recall Charlie Batch era.
7. First name is two initials in a town made famous by running back with two initials
6. Brian Billick is your coach.
5. Replaced by mascot, nobody notices.
4. Daddy picks which team you play for.
3. Even the Lions would not sign you.
2. You go down, the crowd cheers.
1. Dude from Survivor looks more appealing.
On the bench: One word: Eli; appeared on the Bachelor; Mary Kate Olsen rejects you; cannot hold your MGDs; nick named after a reptile; John Madden does not fall all over you in praise. Props to fan, FunBunch838791 for helping out with the list.
9. Instead of film study, it’s season one of Lost on DVD.
8. Fans wistfully recall Charlie Batch era.
7. First name is two initials in a town made famous by running back with two initials
6. Brian Billick is your coach.
5. Replaced by mascot, nobody notices.
4. Daddy picks which team you play for.
3. Even the Lions would not sign you.
2. You go down, the crowd cheers.
1. Dude from Survivor looks more appealing.
On the bench: One word: Eli; appeared on the Bachelor; Mary Kate Olsen rejects you; cannot hold your MGDs; nick named after a reptile; John Madden does not fall all over you in praise. Props to fan, FunBunch838791 for helping out with the list.
Last and Ten Reasons Jerry Rice Retired
10. Jerry Rice was still in the league?
9. The bricks his dad tossed him as a kid could not prepare him for Jake Plummer.
8. Somebody already called Dibs on #80.
7. Young players asked Rice is he was a teammate of O.J. Simpson in San Francisco.
6. Slow news week made it perfect time for an announcement.
5. Even Morten Andersen told him he was hanging on too long.
4. Still no Don Hutson, despite the records.
3. Even his own kids would not draft him in fantasy league.
2. Football is not easy without a Hall of Fame quarterback.
1. It was time for a happy ending to his career.
9. The bricks his dad tossed him as a kid could not prepare him for Jake Plummer.
8. Somebody already called Dibs on #80.
7. Young players asked Rice is he was a teammate of O.J. Simpson in San Francisco.
6. Slow news week made it perfect time for an announcement.
5. Even Morten Andersen told him he was hanging on too long.
4. Still no Don Hutson, despite the records.
3. Even his own kids would not draft him in fantasy league.
2. Football is not easy without a Hall of Fame quarterback.
1. It was time for a happy ending to his career.
Last and Ten Tom Brady Revelations
10. Uses his left hand while searching for porn, if you know what we mean.
9. Leaves the toilet seat up.
8. Hits on girls by claiming that he is really Matt Damon.
7. Let O.J. hook him up with free DirecTV.
6. Refuses to rewind his videos.
5. Once let it slip during a Republican fundraiser that he thought Hillary Clinton was a hottie.
4. Once took a penny, but did not give one.
3. Was the youngest one in curls.
2. He hates Ben Affleck, too.
1. Yeah, the tuck rule is kind of dumb.
Tucked away: Did the nose guard dive/sack on Super Tecmo Bowl; Drinks milk straight from the carton; Does not tip the Domino's delivery boy; Shakes hands like a girl -- Mikey Two Beers; Thinks kickers are wimps -- M2B.
9. Leaves the toilet seat up.
8. Hits on girls by claiming that he is really Matt Damon.
7. Let O.J. hook him up with free DirecTV.
6. Refuses to rewind his videos.
5. Once let it slip during a Republican fundraiser that he thought Hillary Clinton was a hottie.
4. Once took a penny, but did not give one.
3. Was the youngest one in curls.
2. He hates Ben Affleck, too.
1. Yeah, the tuck rule is kind of dumb.
Tucked away: Did the nose guard dive/sack on Super Tecmo Bowl; Drinks milk straight from the carton; Does not tip the Domino's delivery boy; Shakes hands like a girl -- Mikey Two Beers; Thinks kickers are wimps -- M2B.
Last and Ten Reasons Terrell Owens was at the Falcons game on Saturday.
10. Wanted to make sure the Georgia Dome could house his enormous ego before requesting a trade.
9. Went almost 10 hours without being on television.
8. Wanted to make sure Mike Vick did not get tired during the fourth quarter.
7. Teamed with OJ and Richard Jewel to find the real Olympic Park bomber.
6. Looking for a new house. Heard he could get a deal on Andre Rison’s old place.
5. Ray Lewis told him about a "killer" club.
4. End Zone dance lessons from Billy "White Shoes" Johnson.
3. Pilgrimage to pay homage to the NFL’s greatest media whore, Deion Sanders.
2. Heard great things about this new Falcons quarterback, Ron Mexico.
1. On a promotional tour for new workout video, Driveway Abs.
Close but no sharpie (submitted by Mike Two Beers.): Scouting Falcons uniform to make sure he could hide his sharpie. The freeway from New Jersey to Atlanta is trouble some. The kickass chicken nachos! Wanted to scout Mike Vick to see if he could outrun him in a in-game bitch fest. Was tired of doing situps in his driveway. Wanted to make sure that Peerless Price was no Freddie Mitchel.
9. Went almost 10 hours without being on television.
8. Wanted to make sure Mike Vick did not get tired during the fourth quarter.
7. Teamed with OJ and Richard Jewel to find the real Olympic Park bomber.
6. Looking for a new house. Heard he could get a deal on Andre Rison’s old place.
5. Ray Lewis told him about a "killer" club.
4. End Zone dance lessons from Billy "White Shoes" Johnson.
3. Pilgrimage to pay homage to the NFL’s greatest media whore, Deion Sanders.
2. Heard great things about this new Falcons quarterback, Ron Mexico.
1. On a promotional tour for new workout video, Driveway Abs.
Close but no sharpie (submitted by Mike Two Beers.): Scouting Falcons uniform to make sure he could hide his sharpie. The freeway from New Jersey to Atlanta is trouble some. The kickass chicken nachos! Wanted to scout Mike Vick to see if he could outrun him in a in-game bitch fest. Was tired of doing situps in his driveway. Wanted to make sure that Peerless Price was no Freddie Mitchel.
Last and Ten ways Terrell Owens can regain his popularity with Eagles teammates:
10. Help Donovan McNabb’s mom carry in all the Chunky Soup from the car.
9. “I love T.O.” shirts for everybody.
8. Free passes to the Dukes of Hazard.
7. Have O.J. set the whole team up with DirecTV.
6. Get another ABC star, Kelly Monaco, to drop her towel before a Monday Night Football game.
5. Star making out with Katie Holmes in public.
4. Give into the tension and kiss Jeff Garcia right on the mouth.
3. Make up with Coach Andy Reid by dating his daughter, Tara.
2. Join the cast of Rock Star: INXS.
1. Shut up and play football.
Close but no cigar: Free DVDs of T.O.’s Driveway Abs.; Free leotards for everybody; Show up shirtless every day. Oops, that was how he can regain his popularity with Jeff Garcia.
9. “I love T.O.” shirts for everybody.
8. Free passes to the Dukes of Hazard.
7. Have O.J. set the whole team up with DirecTV.
6. Get another ABC star, Kelly Monaco, to drop her towel before a Monday Night Football game.
5. Star making out with Katie Holmes in public.
4. Give into the tension and kiss Jeff Garcia right on the mouth.
3. Make up with Coach Andy Reid by dating his daughter, Tara.
2. Join the cast of Rock Star: INXS.
1. Shut up and play football.
Close but no cigar: Free DVDs of T.O.’s Driveway Abs.; Free leotards for everybody; Show up shirtless every day. Oops, that was how he can regain his popularity with Jeff Garcia.
Last and Ten Rafael Palmeiro excuses for taking steroids
10. Viagra helped the wrong "bat" if you know what I mean.
9. Oh, I thought you meant had I taken steroids today. But I lied about that, too.
8. Jason Giambi switched my sample.
7. It's not like I was stealing DirecTV
6. Jose Canseco told me it was suntan lotion.
5. I contracted it from the Angels Rally Monkey, who is a host for steroids.
4. Have you ever been to Cooperstown in July? I won't have to now.
3. Somebody had to take the heat off Sammy Sosa.
2. I wear number 25 like Barry Bonds. I was just trying to live up to it.
1. Dude, it was totally second-hand steroids.
9. Oh, I thought you meant had I taken steroids today. But I lied about that, too.
8. Jason Giambi switched my sample.
7. It's not like I was stealing DirecTV
6. Jose Canseco told me it was suntan lotion.
5. I contracted it from the Angels Rally Monkey, who is a host for steroids.
4. Have you ever been to Cooperstown in July? I won't have to now.
3. Somebody had to take the heat off Sammy Sosa.
2. I wear number 25 like Barry Bonds. I was just trying to live up to it.
1. Dude, it was totally second-hand steroids.
Last and Ten Reasons Dolphins Rookie Manuel Wright was Crying at Practice This Week
10. Much like CSI Miami, the Dolphins are a second-rate franchise.
9. Coach Saban said the 2003 LSU Tigers would have whipped USC.
8. Dolphins still pay full price at Shula’s Steakhouse.
7. He just found out OJ would not be able to get him free Sunday Ticket.
6. Was told that the original Flipper passed away years ago.
5. Have you ever seen the Dolphins practice on offense? You would cry, too.
4. Found out his NFL contract paid him less than he was earning at USC.
3. After one day of training camp, he was already tired of hearing about the 1972 Dolphins.
2. He did not hold the laces out.
1. He was not crying, his eyes watered after he hot boxed with Ricky Williams.
9. Coach Saban said the 2003 LSU Tigers would have whipped USC.
8. Dolphins still pay full price at Shula’s Steakhouse.
7. He just found out OJ would not be able to get him free Sunday Ticket.
6. Was told that the original Flipper passed away years ago.
5. Have you ever seen the Dolphins practice on offense? You would cry, too.
4. Found out his NFL contract paid him less than he was earning at USC.
3. After one day of training camp, he was already tired of hearing about the 1972 Dolphins.
2. He did not hold the laces out.
1. He was not crying, his eyes watered after he hot boxed with Ricky Williams.
Last and Ten Ways to Make Blitz the League More Realistic
10. The starting kicker also deals ecstasy on the side.
9. The boozed up center disappears before the biggest game of the season.
8. Rush Limbaugh criticizes you when you draft a black quarterback.
7. A wide receiver runs over a meter maid on "rookie level," but murders his pregnant girlfriend on the advanced "pro" level. Retired running back kills ex-wife on "all-world" level.
6. The star running back decides to retire to see the world and smoke pot.
5. The star quarterback must fight off rumors that he is gay.
4. The team's PR director makes a homophobic and racist sensitivity training video.
3. Your team's fans are arrested for stabbing the home team fans in San Diego.
2. A team owner is murdered by his over-the-hill, showgirl wife.
1. The star running back shoots commercials with Alf.
9. The boozed up center disappears before the biggest game of the season.
8. Rush Limbaugh criticizes you when you draft a black quarterback.
7. A wide receiver runs over a meter maid on "rookie level," but murders his pregnant girlfriend on the advanced "pro" level. Retired running back kills ex-wife on "all-world" level.
6. The star running back decides to retire to see the world and smoke pot.
5. The star quarterback must fight off rumors that he is gay.
4. The team's PR director makes a homophobic and racist sensitivity training video.
3. Your team's fans are arrested for stabbing the home team fans in San Diego.
2. A team owner is murdered by his over-the-hill, showgirl wife.
1. The star running back shoots commercials with Alf.
Monday, October 10, 2005
