Last and Ten

Last and Ten Ways to Make the BCS More Exciting

2006-12-06T08:40:00.000-08:00

10. No shoulder pads, they all have to wear a Jim Tressel sweater vest.
9. Florida gets to use one live Gator for one play each half.
8. Michael Richards gives motivational halftime speech.
7. Losing coach must return sunglasses to O.J. Simpson’s ex-wife.
6. Winning teams get White House invite, losing teams get drafted into service.
5. Dude who wins Dr. Pepper quarterback challenge gets to start for the Raiders.
4. Officiating crew from Oregon/Oklahoma game gets to officiate each contest.
3. Britney Spears designs undergarments for cheerleaders uniforms.
2. How about, you know, a playoff.
1. TV commentary team of Mike Tirico, Joe Theismann, and Danny DeVito.

Last and Ten Rejected Titles of T.O.’s New Line of Children’s Books:

2006-11-06T08:32:00.000-08:00

10. Are You There T.O.? It’s Me, Donovan.
9. Pointing Fingers: It is Never Your Fault.
8. Tales of a Fourth-Quarter Nothing.
7. Ronny Returns Some Sunglasses.
6. Mommy, is the Quarterback Gay?
5. Bicurious Jeff
4. How Many of Mommy’s Pills Can I Fit In My Mouth?
3. There’s a Rocket In My Pocket. (Oops, that was a rejected Mark Foley employee handbook title)
2. Who’s Pulling the Trigger? How To Ruin a Suicide.
1. T.O. Hears a Boo.

Last and Ten Reasons of the T.O. "Incident:"

2006-09-27T13:37:00.000-07:00

10. He hates your fantasy team.
9. Tired of Barbaro getting all of the “near-death” coverage.
8. Jealous that Donovan McNabb took Dante Stallworth for a Pat’s cheesesteak last year.
7. The self-inflicting dose was given by Columbian drug dealers.
6. Saw Nicollette Sheridan’s bare breast as a member of the Eagles, now he only gets to see Bill Parcell’s naked rack.
5. If it looks like a suicide attempt, walks like a suicide attempt and talks like a suicide attempt…
4. Coming back from just a broken leg is so 2004.
3. Beats practicing with Drew Bledsoe.
2. At least nobody has talked about how much he has sucked for the Cowboys this year.
1. ESPN reported it as a suicide attempt; T.O. claims he “just changed his mind about living.”

Last and Ten Things That Should Be Your Demise Before a Sting Ray

2006-09-06T08:46:00.000-07:00

10. Being a member of the Chargers and getting pulled over by an off-duty cop
9. Riding your motorcycle without a helmet
8. Agreeing to being lowered down by a pulley before your WWF match
7. Returning sunglasses that were left at the restaurant where you work
6. Attending a European soccer match
5. Naming your two sons, Lyle and Erik
4. Sharing an outfield with Johnny Damon, Aaron Rowand or Mike Cameron
3. Running into Ray Lewis at a Super Bowl party
2. Becoming Ray Caruth’s baby’s moma
1. Residing and driving in the same town as Leonard Little

-Rob in Tampa

Last and Ten Terrell Owens and Matt Leinart excuses

2006-08-31T08:09:00.000-07:00

10. Have you seen Bill Parcells in short-shorts? You’d sleep in too.
9. I'm a Trojan, I don't wear one.
8. Taking practice advice from Allen Iverson, not a good idea.
7. O.J. will be helping me find the real father.
6. Don't need to practice running after Drew Bledsoe's overthrows.
5. Taking fatherhood advice from Shawn Kemp, not a good idea.
4. Somebody had put a padlock on my exercise bike.
3.It could have been worse, it could have been Brenda Warner
2. Harassing prank calls from Donovan McNabb kept me up all night.
1. Who knew that being late was such a bad thing.

Rejected:
Gives new meaning to the term, "Ballroom Dancing."
Is it an NCAA violation if Leinart's dad pays for the whole thing?
Don't need to practice, I get in plenty of work in my driveway.
Paul Lo Duca bet me that I wouldn't come in late/get Brynn pregnant.

Last and Ten Things Matt Leinart is doing during his holdout

2006-08-08T13:01:00.000-07:00

10. Playing Madden on rookie level; Not using the Birds.
9. Hanging out at the track with Paul Lo Duca.
8. Helping pal Carson Palmer bail all of his teammates out of jail.
7. Helping O.J. search for the real killers.
6. Camping out for the premier of Snakes on a Plane.
5. Designated driver for pals David Hasselhoff and Mel Gibson.
4. Attending Pamela and Kid Rock's wedding.
3. Advising pal Nick Lachey as he holds out for more money in his divorce proceedings.
2. Putting his ballroom dancing class to use on Dancing with the Stars 3.
1. Well, he's not doing Paris Hilton.

Last and Ten Revelations In the Michael Strahan Divorce

2006-07-15T12:53:00.000-07:00

10.Only athlete in America jealous of Kris Benson and Doug Christie’s marriages.
9. Michael cried during the part in Pretty in Pink where the red head gets her dream guy.
8. Michael voted for Taylor Hicks during American idol.
7. She won't have her boyfriend bring her the sunglasses she left behind in a restaurant.
6. Michael constantly flirts with Ed "Guns" Hochuli. That's why the Giants get all the calls.
5. Michael got marriage advice from Charlie Sheen.
4. Michael went to a Madonna concert with Ozzie Guillen.
3. Michael may get plastic surgery, but even he must admit the Manning bros are sissies.
2. Michael wanted Brett Favre to take a different kind of dive for him.
1. He is the father of Katie Holmes baby.

Last and Ten Things Phil Mickelson said on the 18th Tee Box

2006-06-19T22:28:00.000-07:00

10. I’m so glad I got rid of that choker’s label.

9. Wait until Tiger sees how I finish this thing out. He will be jealous.

8. Is anybody going to finish that burrito over there?

7. Is that O.J. over there?

6. Does anybody else find it disgusting how John Daly has let himself go?

5. I’m going to Disneyland, I’m going to Disneyland.

4. My pecs looked pumped, right?

3. There is no way I can lose. I’m playing this thing right handed.

2. No, I haven’t seen Tin Cup, why?

1. Hey Monty, want to shotgun a beer?

Last and Ten Shaq Excuses

2006-06-12T22:27:00.000-07:00

10. What, like free throws are important?
9. The Mavs play defense now?
8. Wade can’t carry dead weight like Kobe.
7. Upset by 12th Anniversary of the O.J. murders.
6. No, MDE means Most Disappointing Ever!
5. Hands tired of pre-game ritual of writing “Kobe Sux” 1,000 times in myspace profile.
4. Wanted to get home in time for Entourage premier.
3. New all-bacon diet not working as anticipated.
2. Spent too much time reading script for Kazaam II.
1. He was Hasselhoffed!

Last and Ten Things Kobe Will Be Doing Other Than Watching the NBA Finals

2006-06-08T09:41:00.001-07:00

10. Helping Karl Malone hunt for “Little Mexican Girls.”
9. New tattoo of Superman S with line crossing it out.
8. Sudoku
7. Helping O.J. find the real killers.
6. Totally not shopping for a Father’s Day gift.
5. Getting pictures of the Jolie-Pitt baby.
4. Crying himself to sleeping wear a Shaq jersey, listening to that mix tape they made together.
3. Writing Shaq SUX 1,000 times on his Myspace profile.
2. Scientology meeting.
1. Jewelry shopping, you know, just in case.

Last and Ten Signs Your Draft Pick is a Bust

2006-05-03T14:53:00.000-07:00

10. Can’t spell “Bust” without a “B,” “S,” and “T.”
9. Struck a Heisman pose, didn’t win the damn thing.
8. Comparable to a young Ryan Leaf…mentally.
7. Shifty like O.J. Simpson…off the field.
6. Lots of upside, if was a safety.
5. Thought Wonderlic was the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop.
4. To make NFL playbook easier, coach will draw plays in the dirt.
3. Throwing motion reminds many of Garo Yepremian.
2. The coaches wanted Matt Leinart.
1. Went to the University of Texas.

Last and Ten Cool Things About Being the K.C. Royals

2006-04-14T11:49:00.000-07:00

10. No delusions of grandeur.
9. Can still dream that a drunken Hal McRae will stop by and have another nervous breakdown in the clubouse.
8. Empty seats can’t boo.
7. O.J. never bugs us for tickets
6. That water fall in the outfield is kind of cool.
5. George Brett gets us a killer deal on Preparation H.
4. Wait, we have a team?
3. Bat boy takes left field, he's still better than Soriano.
2. Spent $1 billion less on salaries, still have as many championship rings as A-Rod.
1. No Anna Benson.

Last and Ten: Duke Excuses

2006-03-24T11:41:00.000-08:00

10. More time for Leave it to Beaver. Reruns.
9. Hey, that wasn't Dale Brown coaching LSU.
8. We beat Southern. I think we proved ourselves.
7. J.J. killed our chances like O.J. killed... ah, nevermind.
6. We started a pre-teen (Paulus), a special needs guy (Williams), and a player suffering from cramps (Manning). We actually exceeded expectations.
5. It gives us more time to watch our overrated coach peddle crap on TV.
4. Bryant Gumbel said we were too "nordic."
3. You mean we have to play a Top 20 team in tournament? Not fair.
2. Our Lacross team isn't the only one that chokes.
1. So we lost. It's only 20 more weeks until Billy Packer and Dick Vitale pick us to win it all!

Last and Ten Pet Peeves of NFL Kickers

2006-02-21T19:17:00.000-08:00

10. Only friend is the punter.
9. Equipment manager hides your thermal boot in Green Bay.
8. Even the mascot gets more girls.
7. Miss one lousy 47-yard field goal, leave Buffalo as the biggest loser in club history.
6. Often mistaken for the ball boy.
5. Never included in "Hunks of the NFL" calendar.
4. No corner kicks allowed.
3. Coaches are afraid we'll pull a "Yepremian."
2. Nerdy facemasks
1. That Martin Gramatica makes us all look goofy.

Last and Ten Signs Jon Gruden is Loosening Up

2006-02-21T19:13:00.000-08:00

10. Seen grinning during a David Letterman monologue.
9. Hit the snooze button one day when the alarm went off at 3:12 a.m.
8. Treats his staff to free Hooters wings every Friday.
7. Sees where Chucky and O.J. would get along.
6. Perpetual scowl downgraded to a grimmace.
5. Wants to be the new frontman for Van Halen after learning to play guitar.
4. Pilates, pilates, pilates.
3. Mashmellows in his 64 ounce coffee.
2. His kids are starting to recognize him.
1. Finally starting to see the humor in the "Tuck Rule."

Terry Bradshaw and Joe Montana Demands

2006-02-08T20:25:00.000-08:00

10. No Staubach (Joe meant Roger, Terry meant JoJo)
9. Orange tint in the lighting to accent Terry's bald head
8. A chance to jam with the Stones at halftime
7. A DirecTV hook-up from O.J.
6. A copy of Sunday's Grey's Anatomy they were sure to miss
5. Free divorce lawyers for future marriages
4. A bowl of M&Ms with the brown ones removed (C'mon, now that's funny)
3. Screenings of the Cannonball Run and Hooper during the commissioner's party
2. Somebody to finally rub out that damn Tom Brady
1. The correct spelling of "CAT."

Patriots Excuses

2006-01-19T14:11:00.000-08:00

Last and Ten Patriots Excuses
10. Denver didn't pay the proper respect.
9. Somebody unplugged the Diet Pepsi machine.
8. Distracted by the nacho cheese in Plummer's beard.
7. Tom Brady lent O.J. his five layers of protection.
6. Didn't want to give another ring to Vladimir Putin.
5. Nobody willing to have a stroke to inspire the team.
4. Broncos took away the Patriots top play—the drop kick
3. How can you prepare for a football game in between rehearsals for your latest commercial?
2. Jake Plummer dated Tom Brady’s sister, Marcia, and stole the Patriots playbook.
1. No enforcement of the Tuck Rule.

And to show that we don't play favorites and are equal opportunity haters:

Last and Ten Peyton Manning Excuses
10. I said some mean things to Kenny. Then he said some mean things. And you know ... it was just hard to concentrate.
9. Daddy didn't have any advice on how to deal with the playoffs.
8. Eli gave me too much advice.
7. Edgerrin James is no O.J.
6. The Steelers were trying to sack me. ME! I'm Peyton 'Freaking' Manning.
5. I really have no idea what I'm gesturing at up at the line of scrimmage.
4. Hey, it's not like I'm Tee Martin.
3. I wanted to make sure that I was rested up for the 2006 season opener.
2. The biggest breakdown in protection was when I was conceived.
1. Our kicker was drunk, and an idiot.

Got any to add? Do it in the Hater Nation Forums.

Holiday Gifts for NFL Coaches

2005-12-14T13:04:00.000-08:00

For newcomers to the site, the Last and Ten is a semi-regular feature that often appears in the left margin. It's a David Letterman ripoff, sure, but it is sometimes worth a cheap laugh. So without further ado, the Last and Ten holiday gifts for those hard to buy for coaches.

10. Bill Belicheck: A Nordstrom Card and a tailor.
9. Mike Tice: A Life Vest.
8. Bill Parcells: A man bra (or bro).
7. Dom Capers: An OJ-like running back.
6. Norv Turner: A facial.
5. Andy Reid: A wide receiver who won't quit and a quarterabck that does not get tired.
4. Mike Martz: Some heart.
3. Tony Dungy: A personality more lively than Terry Schiavo
2. Jim Hasslet: To remove the dead from the SuperDome, including Aaron Brooks' career.
1. Gunther Cunningham: Some class.

Future Jobs for the Panthers Cheerleaders

2005-11-10T11:57:00.000-08:00

10. Cast for Showgirls 2

9. Deckhands for the next Vikings boat cruise

8. Weighing options between Penthouse and Penthouse magazine pictorials

7. Helping OJ search for the real killers in bathrooms all over Florida

6. Pitching new television show, "Desperate Cheerleaders."

5. Starting back-court for any WNBA team.

4. Will battle the Coors Light twins as the Schaeffer Light twins.

3. Bathroom attendants at the Bearded Lady Nigh Club and Bagel Emporium.

2. Fighting over who becomes Tom Brady's next "girl friend."

1. Incubators for David Crosby

Rejected Slogans for the Vikings Team Cruise

2005-10-13T13:34:00.000-07:00

10. Come join the Vikings with host, Joe Francis.
9. Come see Onterrio Smith's "Whizzinator."
8. I'm Ron Mexico, and I approve of this cruise!
7. Each room comes with DirecTV, compliments of O.J. Simpson.
6. Our deep-tissue message parlor is approved by Jerry Rice.
5. Book now and receive discounted tickets for the Super Bowl from coach Mike Tice.
4. Come party like one of hthe Bush Twins/Humidor hosted by Bill Clinton (for both sides of the isle).
3. Out staff of dedicated professionals will take down your bed ... and your pants.
2. Score more on the open seas than the Vikings do on the football field.
1. Brad, Marcus, Spencer: Come look at our Johnsons!

Add your own in the comments section.

Last and Ten Signs You Have a Bad Quarterback

2005-10-13T13:29:00.000-07:00

10. Continues to overthrow Randy Moss.
9. Instead of film study, it’s season one of Lost on DVD.
8. Fans wistfully recall Charlie Batch era.
7. First name is two initials in a town made famous by running back with two initials
6. Brian Billick is your coach.
5. Replaced by mascot, nobody notices.
4. Daddy picks which team you play for.
3. Even the Lions would not sign you.
2. You go down, the crowd cheers.
1. Dude from Survivor looks more appealing.

On the bench: One word: Eli; appeared on the Bachelor; Mary Kate Olsen rejects you; cannot hold your MGDs; nick named after a reptile; John Madden does not fall all over you in praise. Props to fan, FunBunch838791 for helping out with the list.

Last and Ten Reasons Jerry Rice Retired

2005-10-13T13:27:00.000-07:00

10. Jerry Rice was still in the league?
9. The bricks his dad tossed him as a kid could not prepare him for Jake Plummer.
8. Somebody already called Dibs on #80.
7. Young players asked Rice is he was a teammate of O.J. Simpson in San Francisco.
6. Slow news week made it perfect time for an announcement.
5. Even Morten Andersen told him he was hanging on too long.
4. Still no Don Hutson, despite the records.
3. Even his own kids would not draft him in fantasy league.
2. Football is not easy without a Hall of Fame quarterback.
1. It was time for a happy ending to his career.

Last and Ten Tom Brady Revelations

2005-10-13T13:23:00.000-07:00

10. Uses his left hand while searching for porn, if you know what we mean.
9. Leaves the toilet seat up.
8. Hits on girls by claiming that he is really Matt Damon.
7. Let O.J. hook him up with free DirecTV.
6. Refuses to rewind his videos.
5. Once let it slip during a Republican fundraiser that he thought Hillary Clinton was a hottie.
4. Once took a penny, but did not give one.
3. Was the youngest one in curls.
2. He hates Ben Affleck, too.
1. Yeah, the tuck rule is kind of dumb.

Tucked away: Did the nose guard dive/sack on Super Tecmo Bowl; Drinks milk straight from the carton; Does not tip the Domino's delivery boy; Shakes hands like a girl -- Mikey Two Beers; Thinks kickers are wimps -- M2B.

Last and Ten Reasons Terrell Owens was at the Falcons game on Saturday.

2005-10-13T13:17:00.000-07:00

10. Wanted to make sure the Georgia Dome could house his enormous ego before requesting a trade.
9. Went almost 10 hours without being on television.
8. Wanted to make sure Mike Vick did not get tired during the fourth quarter.
7. Teamed with OJ and Richard Jewel to find the real Olympic Park bomber.
6. Looking for a new house. Heard he could get a deal on Andre Rison’s old place.
5. Ray Lewis told him about a "killer" club.
4. End Zone dance lessons from Billy "White Shoes" Johnson.
3. Pilgrimage to pay homage to the NFL’s greatest media whore, Deion Sanders.
2. Heard great things about this new Falcons quarterback, Ron Mexico.
1. On a promotional tour for new workout video, Driveway Abs.

Close but no sharpie (submitted by Mike Two Beers.): Scouting Falcons uniform to make sure he could hide his sharpie. The freeway from New Jersey to Atlanta is trouble some. The kickass chicken nachos! Wanted to scout Mike Vick to see if he could outrun him in a in-game bitch fest. Was tired of doing situps in his driveway. Wanted to make sure that Peerless Price was no Freddie Mitchel.

Last and Ten ways Terrell Owens can regain his popularity with Eagles teammates:

2005-10-13T13:12:00.000-07:00

10. Help Donovan McNabb’s mom carry in all the Chunky Soup from the car.
9. “I love T.O.” shirts for everybody.
8. Free passes to the Dukes of Hazard.
7. Have O.J. set the whole team up with DirecTV.
6. Get another ABC star, Kelly Monaco, to drop her towel before a Monday Night Football game.
5. Star making out with Katie Holmes in public.
4. Give into the tension and kiss Jeff Garcia right on the mouth.
3. Make up with Coach Andy Reid by dating his daughter, Tara.
2. Join the cast of Rock Star: INXS.
1. Shut up and play football.

Close but no cigar: Free DVDs of T.O.’s Driveway Abs.; Free leotards for everybody; Show up shirtless every day. Oops, that was how he can regain his popularity with Jeff Garcia.

Last and Ten Rafael Palmeiro excuses for taking steroids

2005-10-13T13:10:00.000-07:00

10. Viagra helped the wrong "bat" if you know what I mean.
9. Oh, I thought you meant had I taken steroids today. But I lied about that, too.
8. Jason Giambi switched my sample.
7. It's not like I was stealing DirecTV
6. Jose Canseco told me it was suntan lotion.
5. I contracted it from the Angels Rally Monkey, who is a host for steroids.
4. Have you ever been to Cooperstown in July? I won't have to now.
3. Somebody had to take the heat off Sammy Sosa.
2. I wear number 25 like Barry Bonds. I was just trying to live up to it.
1. Dude, it was totally second-hand steroids.

Last and Ten Reasons Dolphins Rookie Manuel Wright was Crying at Practice This Week

2005-10-13T13:07:00.000-07:00

10. Much like CSI Miami, the Dolphins are a second-rate franchise.
9. Coach Saban said the 2003 LSU Tigers would have whipped USC.
8. Dolphins still pay full price at Shula’s Steakhouse.
7. He just found out OJ would not be able to get him free Sunday Ticket.
6. Was told that the original Flipper passed away years ago.
5. Have you ever seen the Dolphins practice on offense? You would cry, too.
4. Found out his NFL contract paid him less than he was earning at USC.
3. After one day of training camp, he was already tired of hearing about the 1972 Dolphins.
2. He did not hold the laces out.
1. He was not crying, his eyes watered after he hot boxed with Ricky Williams.

Last and Ten Ways to Make Blitz the League More Realistic

2005-10-13T13:04:00.000-07:00

10. The starting kicker also deals ecstasy on the side.
9. The boozed up center disappears before the biggest game of the season.
8. Rush Limbaugh criticizes you when you draft a black quarterback.
7. A wide receiver runs over a meter maid on "rookie level," but murders his pregnant girlfriend on the advanced "pro" level. Retired running back kills ex-wife on "all-world" level.
6. The star running back decides to retire to see the world and smoke pot.
5. The star quarterback must fight off rumors that he is gay.
4. The team's PR director makes a homophobic and racist sensitivity training video.
3. Your team's fans are arrested for stabbing the home team fans in San Diego.
2. A team owner is murdered by his over-the-hill, showgirl wife.
1. The star running back shoots commercials with Alf.

2005-10-10T10:30:00.000-07:00